I have to admit

Blogging is not a priority right now.

Jacob is leaving next month for basic. Time sees so fleeting right now. I’m really trying to focus my time and energy into my family.

 

Some updates for us:

Jacob has Drill this weekend.

We rode on Amtrak this past weekend! Peter loved it!

Peter trick or treated for the first time yesterday and really enjoyed it. He hid his face every time he sees something scary. He would duck his head into Jacob’s neck. How I wish I could just be carried and I could hid away from my fears like a two year old.

I’m going slowly on the weight loss, but I’m STILL losing, and that’s the point. I’m at 209.4 pounds today! That’s a loss of 9 pounds this month! I’ll take it! 207 is my 10% goal! Whoop-whoop! I’m going to make my family clap for me (because I need that feedback).

Peter is growing and pushing boundaries. It’s amazing to see how his brain works, but because of this growth… he’s seen a lot of time-out lately. In fact, he’s seen so much time-out that he put one of his Army Man in Time-out for shooting another Army Man (that was funny).

Peter can hop on one foot, multiple times. He’s two and a half! That’s some mad skills for him.

He’s really into cutting with scissors right now. So much so, we have to hid the scissors.

Today Peter was telling me a story while I was busy fixing lunch. I had to stop and give him my full attention when he told me to, “Look at me (pointed to his face) in the eyes.” Something that we say to him when we have something important to say. So funny, sweet, and serious.

Our dog is staying with a family friend until Jacob comes back. We said goodbye to him this past weekend. If he gets along really well with them, he may stay with them forever. We’re a little sad about it.

I’m going down to Topeka next week to stay with our BIL, SIL, and nephew. SIL is 38 weeks pregnant and I’m going to come down and clean and do whatever she wants for two days. This is also my last big break from Peter before Jacob leaves and is only the three time I’ve left him this long!

Peter is going to test out a back up daycare this week. We are just going to visit the first time, leave for an hour the second time, 4 hours the next time, and then full day after that. I’m hoping for a smooth transition.

Tomorrow is the next ICAN meeting. ::sigh:: I love ICAN, but hate it all at once. I love it’s a safe place to talk about Peter’s birth, I hate that it’s a monthly reminder of the c-section and it’s still really painful to me. Tomorrow is also a little nerve-racking because I’m going to verbally tell Peter’s birth story out loud… hopefully… if I don’t pass out first. ::weak smile::

We are buying our Christmas presents now. We want to have everything done before Jacob leaves December 7th. We will be celebrating St. Nicholas’ feast day this year (December 6th), instead of Santa Claus.

We are talking of holiday plans and letting family members know of our plans, so it’s not surprising when Jacob’s gone.

We are also discussing Jacob’s leave date. Who’s going to the airport, where we are going to say goodbye, how we are going to explain to Peter…

I’ve been crying a lot lately. A lot. I feel overly emotional about everything right now.

We got an iPod and I’m in LOVE. Seriously love this product.

Jacob and I are participating in a Bible Study about the new translations of the Mass. I’m really enjoying it! I’m also glad it’s only 5 weeks so Jacob and I could go together and have it finished before he leaves.

 

 

That’s some highlights about us for now. I’m hoping to have another photo post soon! We’ve been taking a lot of photos lately!

 

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ICAN two

ICAN!

Tuesday, I attended my second meeting of ICAN of Central Des Moines. I came to the first meeting ready to run or pass out from having to say out-loud that Peter was an emergency c-section and I left on almost a high.

Tuesday… I didn’t want to attend. I remember the excitement I had when I left the meeting, but I was still weary. We already had some emotional things happen this week, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to handle it.

Thank goodness my Mom is my mom. Jacob didn’t want to drive the 1.5 hours to the meeting, and frankly neither did I! I wanted an out and was looking for one. My mom said, that she would watch Jacob and that (pretty much) she was making me attend the meeting. She’s my Momma and she still knows what’s best for me (apparently. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Now the only way I could sneak out was going to Des Moines and just going shopping for several hours.

I knew once I was there I would be fine, but I was anxious about again telling Peter’s story. I thought if I went alone I would get all the way to Des Moines and then hang out at the library until the meeting was over! I explained to Jacob my fear and he said he would come for support.

Jacob and I talked about all the stuff we needed to talk about (it was a good talk) on the way up. He walked inside with me and high-fived me as I turned to go into the meeting. ::This makes me wish that we dated in college, he would have walked me to class::

I wasn’t as fearful this meeting. I was able to take deep breathes while the introductions were made, and I made mine without freaking out mentally. I was asked towards the end if I had any questions, and I didn’t. I checked out FIVE books from their library to review and take in.

I did learn two new things from this meeting: 1) Because I pushed with Peter the next labor will be a traditional length second pregnancy. I thought I would have another typical longer first birth experience again.ย  SUPER exciting news to me.ย  2) Peter was posterior. I didn’t learn this until much much later. Tuesday I learned that it’s super hard to give birth to a posterior baby on your back (like I was told to do). Most woman will have to push for a long time with posterior babies (I pushed 3-4 hours) and if I have another baby that is posterior, there are actions I can take to help move him!

I also made new friend who’s husband joined the military after they were married and is willing to be another support for me. She also lives 30 minutes away from Hometown, so we can have playdates sometime! I was also given a number to an ICAN member who lives in Rural Hometown. The name sounded really familiar to me, but I can’t place her. So I’ll be calling her later today to talk to her about her c-section and then her other three births. Then share about Peter’s birth.

I was also given contact of a midwife who would do home-births for VBAC moms! I’m making an appointment with her to talk about fears, Jacob’s reservations about a home-birth, and information/research I can give to people how are questioning having a home-birth or even a VBAC. I plan on making an appointment soon!

ICAN

I’ve been to two ICAN meetings. This is about the first meeting.

The first time I thought maybe I would throw up. Not because I was nervous meeting people, but rather acknowledging Peter’s birth in public with people I didn’t know.

I remember sitting down and having people go around the table. All you have to say is your name, your kids’ name/age and if you want if your child was a section or vaginal birth. I was in the middle of room, so it didn’t matter I wouldn’t be first or last. I didn’t take in any of the introductions. I was trying hard not to hyperventilate or start crying.

How hard it was just to say: I’m Tiffany, I have one son -Peter. He’s two and he was born via emergency c-section.

After I said my statement I breathed a sigh of relief and was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I had every muscle in my body tensed, as ready for a fight. That night there were a lot ofย  birth stories and support for pregnant woman. They got to the newbies at the very end. I was asked if I wanted to share anything about Peter’s birth.

Looking around the room and seeing woman who have all had c-sections, and I don’t want to do it. I’d rather look like a fool and run screaming from the room. But I take a breath and start.

I only have enough in me to give some of the ‘highlights.’ I cry and cry. I apologize and was accepted. I was told that tears are often shed there and that it was a safe spot.

I asked what to do to help in the healing process: Telling Peter’s birth story who will accept the pain and not gloss over it would help, Posting my birth story on the forums, Reading information about c-sections and seeking out information about peaceful c-sections and VBAC, and Coming to meetings. Another things that is hard to do, but will help in the healing process is access my hospital records and find out more information about Peter’s delivery.

I also remember one woman telling me that even though Peter’s delivery was traumatic that I also needed to look at the positives of his birth, because there were some positives. I wasn’t under general anesthesia, so I was able to hear Peter’s first cries. I was able to have a labor with Peter and be active (to a point) in his delivery.

And some of the best points: I was a good candidate for a VBAC! I was reassured that even though I have a vertical scar on the outside, because I have a transverse scar on the inside, that’s all that matters. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to try again because of my scar. Because I progressed to a 10 and pushed, that was a big plus! It shows that my cervix can dilate!

What a difference between entering and exiting the meeting. I came so overwhelmed that I thought I would pass out, and I left in almost a high! I talked Jacob’s ear off on the way home and we excitedly talked about the birth of our next child.

It’s the first time that I talked joyfully about the BIRTH of our next child. I long to hold another one of our children in my arms, but terrified about prospects of another horrible c-section.

If you had a traumatic birth or a c-section, I implore you to find help and an ICAN meeting. The peace you find crazy awesome. ๐Ÿ™‚

Birth Trauma

I feel horrible calling Peter’s birth a ‘bad’ birth. As I’m finally processing everything that happened before, during and after Peter’s birth, I feel the need to write it down. But I’M SCARED.

I’m scared to remember everything that happened. I’ve been able to write out his birth to a certain point and then I stop and I only get flashes of horrible-ness that I just can’t get over.

I’m scared even after writing it all down, I still will not find peace with it.

I’m scared that when we get pregnant again, I’ll have to go through it again…

 

Peter was born by an emergency c-section. I was one short step away from being put under. He was born with a big bulge on the top side of is head, he was backwards and wouldn’t come out. Stuck.

 

Please pray for me as I continue to try to write down his Birth story this week.

He turned out great so far. I don’t think I made it through whole though. Traumatic C-sections or just traumatic births remind me of this photo I found online somewhere. If you know where I found it, please let me know so I can link it up.