New Years

I know all around the world people are making resolutions and doing new things. I feel like I’m hoping that train.

 

This year, 2012, I’m going to do THREE things:

  1. Be kinder to myself.
  2. Practice positive self talk.
  3. When life overwhelms me, I’ll take a breath and continue on the path God as directed our family

 

It doesn’t seem like much, but that’s what I’m doing. 🙂

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Today was Rough

…For me. Peter was great.

I cried over every little detail. I had to move the carseat from my mom’s car to our car. I realized while putting it in that I ALWAYS have trouble putting it our car and Jacob always finishes it for me. So this morning when the weather is cold, I’m struggling with the carseat while Peter screams in fun terror when the kitties come closer to him. He climbs inside the car (it’s a small two door), and promptly loses his balance and falls out backwards. Thankfully he fell on his bottom and he said it was scared and not hurt.

But I was traumatized. Seriously. So I’m struggling, Peter’s playing when the kittens, and I realize: This is my reality. While I know it’s not forever or even a full year. It’s a long time. I ended up putting the carseat on the side, instead of the middle. The side I can do fine, for some reason it’s the middle that screws me up.

It’s fine, Peter’s fine, and I’m crying.

I decide to go to Subway and treat myself to a healthy lunch. We go in and order without problems, Peter wants to stay and eat but we are going over to a friend’s house. Fine. He rolls with the punches. On the way out I see an old friend (this is my Hometown, after all). She asks how I’m doing and I smile and say, “Fine. Today has been tear free” pointing at Peter. She looks at me weird and I realized that she doesn’t know that Jacob left for Basic. I tell her and then she asks, “Oh. How are things going?” I BURST into tears. I hate crying in public. I stutter out, “I guess I can’t talk about it.” She nods and holding Peter’s hand I walk to the car.

(Also my glasses, which were on the last leg, broke. I’m squinty and have a vague headache from it.)

Earlier today Peter asked, “Where’s Daddy?” I was able to say, “Remember, Daddy got on the airplane and is learning how to fix the airplanes. He’s not going to be home for a long time, but he’s safe.” He nods his head, “Okay.”

And that’s it. It’s that simple for him today.

Sometimes I have to image myself laying in God’s hands (like a bed), I see Jesus as my blanket, the Holy Spirit giving me a breeze (warm or cool). I pretend the Blessed Mother is stroking my hair like my Momma does when I was little and sick. I just have to remember God knows what I’m going to go through. God opened this path for us to Trust in him to follow.

I’m following God today and it was hard. I offer up my suffering in union with the Suffering of Jesus on the Cross.

I have to admit

Blogging is not a priority right now.

Jacob is leaving next month for basic. Time sees so fleeting right now. I’m really trying to focus my time and energy into my family.

 

Some updates for us:

Jacob has Drill this weekend.

We rode on Amtrak this past weekend! Peter loved it!

Peter trick or treated for the first time yesterday and really enjoyed it. He hid his face every time he sees something scary. He would duck his head into Jacob’s neck. How I wish I could just be carried and I could hid away from my fears like a two year old.

I’m going slowly on the weight loss, but I’m STILL losing, and that’s the point. I’m at 209.4 pounds today! That’s a loss of 9 pounds this month! I’ll take it! 207 is my 10% goal! Whoop-whoop! I’m going to make my family clap for me (because I need that feedback).

Peter is growing and pushing boundaries. It’s amazing to see how his brain works, but because of this growth… he’s seen a lot of time-out lately. In fact, he’s seen so much time-out that he put one of his Army Man in Time-out for shooting another Army Man (that was funny).

Peter can hop on one foot, multiple times. He’s two and a half! That’s some mad skills for him.

He’s really into cutting with scissors right now. So much so, we have to hid the scissors.

Today Peter was telling me a story while I was busy fixing lunch. I had to stop and give him my full attention when he told me to, “Look at me (pointed to his face) in the eyes.” Something that we say to him when we have something important to say. So funny, sweet, and serious.

Our dog is staying with a family friend until Jacob comes back. We said goodbye to him this past weekend. If he gets along really well with them, he may stay with them forever. We’re a little sad about it.

I’m going down to Topeka next week to stay with our BIL, SIL, and nephew. SIL is 38 weeks pregnant and I’m going to come down and clean and do whatever she wants for two days. This is also my last big break from Peter before Jacob leaves and is only the three time I’ve left him this long!

Peter is going to test out a back up daycare this week. We are just going to visit the first time, leave for an hour the second time, 4 hours the next time, and then full day after that. I’m hoping for a smooth transition.

Tomorrow is the next ICAN meeting. ::sigh:: I love ICAN, but hate it all at once. I love it’s a safe place to talk about Peter’s birth, I hate that it’s a monthly reminder of the c-section and it’s still really painful to me. Tomorrow is also a little nerve-racking because I’m going to verbally tell Peter’s birth story out loud… hopefully… if I don’t pass out first. ::weak smile::

We are buying our Christmas presents now. We want to have everything done before Jacob leaves December 7th. We will be celebrating St. Nicholas’ feast day this year (December 6th), instead of Santa Claus.

We are talking of holiday plans and letting family members know of our plans, so it’s not surprising when Jacob’s gone.

We are also discussing Jacob’s leave date. Who’s going to the airport, where we are going to say goodbye, how we are going to explain to Peter…

I’ve been crying a lot lately. A lot. I feel overly emotional about everything right now.

We got an iPod and I’m in LOVE. Seriously love this product.

Jacob and I are participating in a Bible Study about the new translations of the Mass. I’m really enjoying it! I’m also glad it’s only 5 weeks so Jacob and I could go together and have it finished before he leaves.

 

 

That’s some highlights about us for now. I’m hoping to have another photo post soon! We’ve been taking a lot of photos lately!

 

Leave Date

Jacob’s leaving for basic December 7th. We tentatively asked  for October (that way basic would be done and we could at least Skype on Christmas) or after the New Year, because Christmas is important.

What do we get, December 7th, with maybe a phone call for Christmas. Jacob will be graduating Basic February 3rd. Done with Tech School mid-August.

Very clearly I understand from Jacob’s family that they will be going to Jacob’s graduation too, and will want to be with him the whole time. AND frankly it bothers me. I don’t want to share my husband after not seeing him for almost 9 weeks. I don’t want Peter to have to share his father after missing and crying for him for almost 9 weeks. I also feel like I it would be different if he was coming home straight away, but he’s not. He has another training that lasts for 21 weeks. I think we need to soak up that time as a family. To let Peter have every opportunity to have Jacob’s EVERY attention. But I feel like I can’t tell them to come. And I won’t, their son/grandson/brother is graduating from basic, it’s a big deal for them too. Feeling like I’m going to have to share what little time we have with Jacob is almost too much to think about right now.

We got his leave date almost two weeks ago. I thought I was going to jump on here and excitedly write down how excited we were, but I’m feeling divided. I’m relieved we now have a leave date for Jacob, but sad that it will be over Christmas. I’m happy to be able to pay off bills, but almost nauseous thinking about parenting Peter alone for 10 months. With every happy/excited reaction I think of something I dread.

I’m trying hard to sort out my feelings. Feelings that I thought I would already know what I was going to feel. But here I am, raw and scared.

Yesterday I posted on facebook: is feeling unsettled today. I hate days where I can’t figure out my own feelings, let alone deal with Peter’s big feelings.

Today I woke up and was still feeling off balance, and I sat down to read a quick page in one of my religious books, “Daily Visitor” from 2002 (different things for different days with a mini-homily that matches up with today’s Mass readings).

The Psalm of the day, “Your right hand has saved me, O Lord.”

Mass readings: Acts 16:22-34/John 16:5-11

The Homily was Titled: Absence Means Growth

What it resonated deeply within me today was when you let someone go there’s a ministry called, ‘ministry of absence.’ In the absence of a beloved, we turn to God for help. We develop bonds with other people. We learn new coping skills, seek new ways of growth, do things we otherwise would not have attempted.

What God is giving me with Jacob leaving is a time to Grow, to Deeply depend on Him, and to be able to humble myself to say, “I need help.” I know I won’t be able to do it alone. I know I will have to ask for help and I know I can’t do with without Praying and believing that nothing comes to me without God’s knowledge, instead of being raw and scared I find myself hopeful of the great things God has planned for me for the next year.

Lord, let my ears be open to hear Your Directions. Let my eyes be open to Your Truth. Let my mouth only speak Your Praises. Let my hand only give loving touches. Amen. Alleluia.

I lost my brother in 2009

I should run down my family before I get into the meat of this post. I should also note that this will be spread out in a couple different posts.

My parents: B and K

Older brother by 20 months: TA

Younger brother by 17 months: JJ

Younger brother by 5 years: JC

Younger and only sister by 7 years: CJ

My brother, JJ, and I were two peas in a pod. We were often confused as twins as we looked alike and were around the same height and weight. I played war with my brothers and they played house with me. I’m not saying our life was perfect (far from it), but we always stuck together. My mom once told me that they (my parents) were called home from a date when CJ was a year old because the five of us got on top of the clubhouse and wouldn’t come down for the babysitter. In our defense, the babysitter was mean. In the babysitters defense, we could be a handful. My mom was always confused and scared about how we got CJ on the roof, as we had to climb up the side through a window and it was several feet off the ground…

My brother was my best friend in high school. We often sat up almost all night talking and watching movies. I was one of the first people he told when his girlfriend was pregnant when he was 21. I was hopeful, JJ started to really get into drugs and I was praying that since he was having a child it would straighten him out. His girlfriend was… tactless, redneck, but I loved her. She was a lot of fun and told you exactly what was what. When ‘little jj’ came along my brother was off drugs and working hard. Though things started to fall apart. JJ’s girlfriend and him broke up, he moved back home, and had joint-custody of ‘little jj.’

JJ also started to change. He was around 22 years old and started to get mean. JJ could cause problems, but he wasn’t mean. He was the kind of kid that would bring home hurt animals to help heal and then release them. He started to distance himself from all of us.

In 2006, on my little sister’s 19th birthday, my brother had a break from reality. He got drunk and tried to commit suicide.

My dad was woken up from sleep to my mom yelling for him. My brother was trying to get into the gun cabinet. My dad wrestled him to the floor and was holding him there as my mom called the cops. My brother was fighting, asking why he couldn’t kill himself. My dad told him that he loved him like my brother loved his son and he wouldn’t let him die.

My brother relaxed and my dad held him until the cops came.

My brother was never the same after that day. He was changing before that time, but it was a pivotal time in our family.

I had my first official teaching job. I came back from a vacation to hear that my brother tried to commit suicide and I had be in the classroom with kids 30 minutes later. My life changed that day, and it will never go back.

We slowly started to lose JJ. He had more periods of time where he wasn’t making any sense. I was interested in psychology (I was either going to be a child psychologist or a teacher when I was little), and so I started to search. I searched and looked. I talked to my mom and I said with the little knowledge that I had, that I thought JJ had drug induced schizophrenia. Time went on and as my parents tried to get help for my brother it was clear they needed more help.

I don’t remember the exact date, but my parents committed my brother. He was held for evaluation and after numerous tests they concluded that he had paranoid schizophrenia with panic attacks. He was put on medicine to control the disease.

But my brother never came fully back.

Continued in next post: Learning and Living with Schizophrenia.

Becoming Military

is hard.

I haven’t given a lot of information about it lately. Mostly because I haven’t had any updates…

What we know: Jacob’s enlisted, for some reason Jacob’s security clearance was messed up and he just finished putting it in the computer, Jacob was asked when he would like to leave for basic (by someone higher up) and he said October.

That’s all we know. I’ve been told that after the security clearance goes through he can leave at anytime. Technically Jacob can still be leaving in October and we just don’t have a leave date.

I’m having issues with this. Jacob said to leave it in God’s hands and it’s going to work out. I understand that. I know that deep within myself. However, I also feel like I need to be proactive. We have a list of things that we want to do before Jacob leaves. We also have a list of things that we HAVE to do before Jacob leaves. I feel like we need to start on that list and get it all done. Jacob feels like we can wait to start the list when he gets a leave date. Meaning that it may not be October when he leaves, so why get very busy right now?

 

This month for Drill there is a family day, I’m looking forward to it. Hopefully I can meet some Moms that are like me and they can give me some more information. Also, I feel a little nervous about meeting all these new people. :S

 

 

Terrified

There are times right now that terror grips me. Jacob is usually at work (just a normal 8 hour day) and Peter is just being a moster two. I know this. But in certain moments I feel like I can’t breathe and there is no way I’m going to be able to handle Peter alone for almost 10 months. What were we thinking? WHY did we do this?

I can usually work myself up pretty quickly, sadly. Then I have to take a deep breath. Breathe in and out. Remember and repeat: “I am in God’s hands and God let YOUR Will be done, not mine.” Breathing and saying this out loud usually helps me.

 

We were hoping for a basic leave date, they are still figuring it out the best time. Jacob was asked when he wanted to go, Jacob said he wanted to leave in October…

 

A countdown begins, a new list is being made. Breathe in and out, remember: God’s Will be done.