Leave Date

Jacob’s leaving for basic December 7th. We tentatively asked  for October (that way basic would be done and we could at least Skype on Christmas) or after the New Year, because Christmas is important.

What do we get, December 7th, with maybe a phone call for Christmas. Jacob will be graduating Basic February 3rd. Done with Tech School mid-August.

Very clearly I understand from Jacob’s family that they will be going to Jacob’s graduation too, and will want to be with him the whole time. AND frankly it bothers me. I don’t want to share my husband after not seeing him for almost 9 weeks. I don’t want Peter to have to share his father after missing and crying for him for almost 9 weeks. I also feel like I it would be different if he was coming home straight away, but he’s not. He has another training that lasts for 21 weeks. I think we need to soak up that time as a family. To let Peter have every opportunity to have Jacob’s EVERY attention. But I feel like I can’t tell them to come. And I won’t, their son/grandson/brother is graduating from basic, it’s a big deal for them too. Feeling like I’m going to have to share what little time we have with Jacob is almost too much to think about right now.

We got his leave date almost two weeks ago. I thought I was going to jump on here and excitedly write down how excited we were, but I’m feeling divided. I’m relieved we now have a leave date for Jacob, but sad that it will be over Christmas. I’m happy to be able to pay off bills, but almost nauseous thinking about parenting Peter alone for 10 months. With every happy/excited reaction I think of something I dread.

I’m trying hard to sort out my feelings. Feelings that I thought I would already know what I was going to feel. But here I am, raw and scared.

Yesterday I posted on facebook: is feeling unsettled today. I hate days where I can’t figure out my own feelings, let alone deal with Peter’s big feelings.

Today I woke up and was still feeling off balance, and I sat down to read a quick page in one of my religious books, “Daily Visitor” from 2002 (different things for different days with a mini-homily that matches up with today’s Mass readings).

The Psalm of the day, “Your right hand has saved me, O Lord.”

Mass readings: Acts 16:22-34/John 16:5-11

The Homily was Titled: Absence Means Growth

What it resonated deeply within me today was when you let someone go there’s a ministry called, ‘ministry of absence.’ In the absence of a beloved, we turn to God for help. We develop bonds with other people. We learn new coping skills, seek new ways of growth, do things we otherwise would not have attempted.

What God is giving me with Jacob leaving is a time to Grow, to Deeply depend on Him, and to be able to humble myself to say, “I need help.” I know I won’t be able to do it alone. I know I will have to ask for help and I know I can’t do with without Praying and believing that nothing comes to me without God’s knowledge, instead of being raw and scared I find myself hopeful of the great things God has planned for me for the next year.

Lord, let my ears be open to hear Your Directions. Let my eyes be open to Your Truth. Let my mouth only speak Your Praises. Let my hand only give loving touches. Amen. Alleluia.

Advertisements

One Response

  1. Wow. Powerful AND insightful. So very Tiffany

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: